Before my happy things a quickish update on our life.
As some of you may know Jason and I have decided it is time to move forward with adoption. We decided we were going to work with LDSFS this spring and filed this summer. After months of getting no where and feeling uncomfortable with the situation we have decided that we are going to pursue adoption through foster care instead. We knew we were doing the right thing filing for adoption but just felt like something wasn't right when we initially decided to go with LDSFS. I tried to shrug it off for quite some time because I didn't want to have to give up any more hopes and dreams along the way.
I think most people don't understand the stages of grief you go through when you can't have your own children and decide to adopt (I'm not sure I even understand the heartbreak I have felt through all of this). It took me awhile to give in to foster care adoption because I didn't want to give up the slight chance that I could be there when my baby was born if we found birth parents willing to let me do so. I dreamed of having an open adoption with loving birth parents who want nothing but the best for their child and that is why they decided to place them. Now I have to try to not feel like we are stealing someones children and have to accept that chances of having a loving open adoption are slim to none (probably far closer to none). I have also had to accept that the chances of us receiving an infant are slim to none and if we do they will likely either have alcohol or drug exposure. There is far more than I could ever even begin to explain but those are the big ones. So it has been an overwhelming few weeks and I have just focused every day on making it out of bed and keeping myself together.
I think I am starting to do a little bit better and have completely embraced foster care adoption. There are so many children from infants to older children who need love and I know that my kids are waiting for me and I want nothing more than to find them and start giving them the life they deserve.
Jason's Uncle Robb and Aunt Kari just adopted four kids through a foster care agency here in Fresno and we decided we would meet with them. From the minute we met with them two weeks ago everything felt so peaceful and I knew without a doubt we were doing the right thing. When we started our meeting I wanted to cry tears of joy because it felt like something on this road to becoming parents finally felt right. However along with this joy came a very overwhelming load of stress. There apparently is a huge need for foster and adoptive parents in the county right now and they are moving A LOT faster than I ever expected they would.
We have to have our home ready to accept two children boys or girls from newborn to six. This has led to us scrambling the last few weeks to gather everything we need. We have had a lot of support from family and friends and I can't express how thankful I am. We got bunk beds, a cradle, some clothes, books, toys, and bought just about everything you could think! We have spent FAR too much at Target lately, but I couldn't think of a better thing for our money to go to! We still need a crib, and will probably end up buying one after Christmas because we had a few people offer us their crib but they are drop side and to be home study approved they have to meet some very specific specifications. But it is a totally worthwhile investment and if we don't end up needing it because the kids are too old we can find a good home for it. It has been amazing how quickly all of this has come together. If all goes as planned we will have our first foster placement by the first week of January. Oh so exciting! It has been far too long of a wait to have children in our home!
That is really all that we have been up to...still working and going to school and trying to keep it all together. So onto things that have made me happy since my last blog...
- Thanksgiving at my parents house
- Date with Loralye to the Merry go Round and Disney Store
- Trip to Long Beach with James, Julie, Adam & Brittney
- Seeing Anne & John on said Long Beach trip
- Seeing Sarah & Nate on same said Long Beach trip
- Christmas shopping for Jason...I think I'm more excited for him to get his presents than I am for myself
- Becoming SO much closer to having kids
- Pictures of baby Merritt Conder!
- Snuggle time with all of the babies at church
- The Christopherson family Christmas party (I am amazing at the greatness of the family I married into)
- My Liver...enough said
- Andy & Will's engagement
- My brilliant desserts for the family Christmas party...I am super proud of myself! (Picture of one below)
- Finally getting to sleep more than 4 hours a night
- Manuel & Isaiah's adoption finalization and sealing...it was perfect!
I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and I will be back soon :D